COVID. And on Choosing to Become You

So, by where does one start? It’s been weeks. No months that I’ve been telling myself that I must write.
Well, ‘must’ is a strong word, so let’s change this to ‘should’…
Because yes, the word ‘should’ give you options, and does not corner or make you feel obliged to go forward.
You have a choice.
A slim one in my point of view. But you do have a choice.

So again, where do I start?

There are so many words, its s a jumble trying to express itself in writable terms. Words that want to come to life and have yet to find the right emotion.
Yep, it’s that kind of writing.

The kind of writing that makes you think…that maybe it should only be between you and your journal, only to realize that no. Nope. You want this public…Because you know you are not alone.

Because you know that this last year turned all our lives around. All of us.
And that words right now, the ones that really come from the heart, do help.

Help. Help in making sense of this new world. So, when did it change…?
Pandemic. That’s a word that happens to others, no? And I mean a word…Because who of us knew anything of this ‘reality’?

Honestly, who of us had the slightest idea?
Like, this was an ‘issue’ a ‘situation’ that happen to somebody else. Not you or me. But ‘others’ out there in the ether…

How wrong. How totally, utterly wrong.

So yes, like many of us, when reality finally hit me. I stopped. I stopped everything that was me and stood there not knowing how to move forward.
Oh, my brain was in full gear, but that was it. Nothing else was. And I mean nothing.

I concentrated on client work. I concentrated on my home. I concentrated on the everyday details. But again, that was it. Something inside me was on full stop and would not budge.

I knew and understood very well that there had been a ‘big’ change and that trying to bring it to light would not be easy. This was not a ‘let’s flip this over’ and move on stuff.
This one was different. Quite different. This one was not going to be buried under mountains of excuses.

You know what I mean…Being busy at being busy, and not facing what it is that you should really be doing.
Because, well, why should I?
Why should I change direction? Why should I, listen to that voice, the one that keeps nagging me with words that stop me cold in my thoughts?

Because you know damn well that she’s saying the truth.
It’s that simple.
There’s no splitting the atom here.
She’s in your face.

So, you have a choice. You can try to ignore it. Seriously try to ignore it. Or…take baby steps and figure out what needs to be done…

And that’s the point here. When changes force you to move forward, it does feel like none of it is your choice. It’s like a decision was made without your approval or knowledge, and voila figure it out.
You waddle in indecision. You make compromises with yourself. You push back the obvious…

And then when you think you have no more strength, you find out that you are stronger than you have ever been.
Hurt. Bruised. Disappointed. Aghast at others’ ways.
Still, you move on because you know that if you don’t open that door, that chance will not come back again.

That’s what this past year has thought me.
You are stronger than you think.

It took me 3 good hours to write this post and it’s the first of many. Writing for me is soothing. It clears my head. Makes it easier to look forward. ‘Clears out the cobwebs’ like a friend used to say.

Stick around…there’s way more to come.